(S)exactly What I Want

I don’t think men realize how often women don’t finish during sex.

It’s around half if you’re wondering, whereas in my own experience men finish 95% of the time (and that 5% is allotted for those who give up do to whiskey dick).

Something I’ve realized as I get older is that sex is quite literally geared towards men, even in movies. Sex is considered completed once the man finishes, and mainstream media loves to make it seem like women somehow magically reach climax at that exact moment. Can you imagine if sex wasn’t finished until a woman came? Half ya’ll would still be looking for the clit right now.

I personally am not someone who gets off from penetration (along with 90% of the female population), so when you’re jack hammering away or thrusting your partner up and down like a bike pump desperate for air, just know most of us are quite literally along for the ride.

That’s not to say I don’t get any enjoyment from a man inside me, just last night I had the absolute pleasure. 

(What can I say, kicking a grown man's ass in pool on a Sunday night gets me going)

But when I’m on my back and the words, “you feel so good” come out of my mouth it’s purely for your sake. That is of course unless you are also rubbing the clit or maybe a little thumb in the bum action going on, then I might genuinely mean it. Emphasis on the might.

The last couple guys I slept with we fucked like 3-5 times from when we entered the bedroom to the aftermath when I put on yesterday’s clothes with my panties crumpled up in my pocket and straightened out my wig. That being said I would consider myself a decently sexual person and know how to communicate what I want from a man. So the point I’m trying to make here is I am not some shy, timid gal that is scared to tell their partner I want them to pretend I’m a tootsie pop and see how many looks it takes to find the center.

Still conducting research on this, so feel free to inquire if you’d like to be a part of the study.

NOTE: Background checks required as well as a valid driver's license.

So I’m here to give you some helpful tricks for your below average tips 

***See what I did there ;)

To me one of the most important things a partner can do prior to any form of penetration is making sure the other party is turned on. Which, common to popular belief, is a lot more than them saying ‘wow I’m so turned on’. Yes there are obviously ways to verbally indicate, but looking at this from a logistical point of view there are physical factors that will communicate to you how your partner's body is reacting.

From the easiest sign in the book (how wet they are) to a more observant characteristic of eye dilation and heart rate. Now I’m not saying you necessarily need to be playing inspector gadget on a woman’s body, personally I think it’s a whole hell of a lot easier to just communicate to your partner what you like. I also think if you’re in a relationship it does give a couple an opportunity to have a more open and honest conversation, maybe even try something new in a safe space to see if you like it. But healthy communication doesn’t need to be exclusively for those in relationships. If I’m going out of my way to sleep with someone that I might not sleep with again, you don’t have a lot of opportunity for improvement.

Ladies, I do think this is where it can be difficult for us. I myself would like to be considered as a pretty upfront person, but for years I would never tell partners what I wanted, I would just sit there and whatever happened happened.

Now I’m at a point in my life where I know what positions I like and what feels good to me, and also things I’m not comfortable with. For instance, I’m very upfront that I do not like to give head. I’ll do it if I’m feeling a little spicy, but I’ve never looked at a cock and thought to myself, “Man i would love for that to uppercut my uvula and make me gag”. I think there’s this misconception also that women love big dicks, I (speaking for myself) prefer a slightly below average shaft. Honestly the smaller your dick is, the higher the likelihood I’ll put it in my mouth, but I also have a gag reflex like a motherfucker.

I’ve had varying reactions from men when I tell them that and I’m very honest. From a guy trying to push my head down to “are you comfortable with me giving you head?”. Now while the former is so much more common than I would like to admit, the later is probably about the sexiest response a man could ever give me.

We love givers.

While it can be hard to communicate your needs their are ways to insinuate if you feel uncomfortable being as blunt as, “I want to eat me out”.

Here’s some of my personal favorites:

“I’m so wet for you, do you want to taste it?”

“I want you to lick it”

Okay, maybe these are pretty straight forward but I can say from personal experience never have I ever had a man who didn’t love hearing those words come out of my mouth.

For you fuckers that are trying to have sex with someone who has a clit (man or woman, I don’t discriminate), if you don’t know where it is… well, you should probably figure it out. Maybe you don’t want to come across as inexperienced, there are ways to get around this.

“Show me where you want me to touch you”

Genius right? It’s like when you’re starting a new job and you don’t want to fill out a report so you ask your coworker to show you how it’s done. I personally would do this to the teacher in any math class I had. Which is probably why I couldn’t tell you what the quadratic equation is if my life depended on it.

***apparently GIF knows it though, so that made me feel really good about myself

In a partnership I don’t think either person should compromise on things that make them uncomfortable, but I will say I think it is very bonding to put your trust in someone that you care about if it’s something that is important to them. Now I hope to god you’re not reading that as, “if your boyfriend really really wants you to suck his dick but you hate it, you should do it anyway!”. Absolutely not. This is not something that is black and white, to me it’s 50 Shades of Grey.

Side note: Watching that movie together may be a great opportunity to organically bring up any sexual topics that may be on your mind.

I think what it boils down to is why a person may be apprehensive towards something. Maybe they had a bad experience in the past and it’s triggering or maybe they are just scared. So assurance coming from a place of love, respect and absolutely no judgment is key.

I am a firm believer that there are a lot of women out there who deserve an Oscar for the acting performances they have put on (for reference the cinematic category would be short film). So you can’t always rely solely on that. Even something as intricate as a back arch may not be caused by the euphoria you think they’re feeling in that given moment.

I recently slept with this guy who after a couple rounds made the statement: “I just can’t cum with a condom on, it’s okay though”.

My mental reaction: ‘IT’S OKAY THOUGH’ - fucker you better goddamn well know it’s okay.

You best bet I made it very clear that I was in no way empathetic that this ‘poor man’ felt he couldn’t go to completion due to the thin barrier of rubber on his dick. Welcome to most women’s average sexual experience buddy! You got to see me naked, that in itself is a gift enough.

Now I think it’s important to say that I personally think if both parties want to have sex without protection that is their right to make that decision, I’ve done it before in college. But I’ve also dated someone for almost a year and we never once had sex without protection because that’s what we felt was best for us. I just know too many people that do it solely because that’s what their partner wants and don’t communicate their own apprehension.

But while I say I truly think there is this huge misconception on how we view sex and the weight we allow it to hold on us, there is a level of responsibility that comes with it when pregnancy is a potential outcome. This by no means is a political platform, but I would especially be aware for any woman who may not want a child at this point in their life with all that is going on right now and how certain things are not accessible in healthcare.

I know there’s this narrative out there that sex is this intimate thing and the most bonding thing humans can do to become one. Now I’m not saying sex can’t be beautiful and that there haven’t been times where it has made me closer to my partner. But there have also been plenty of times where that was not the case. Specifically the time in college comes to mind when I hooked up with a viking of a man and he began to weep into my bare breasts (heard you moved to Chiacago with your new girlfriend, wish you the best and hope you no longer cry during sex!). I want to be clear these tears were fully unprompted and the condom was in fact still on. What did I do? I just stared into the Green Day poster on his wall as I consoled him, wishing I had just opted to stay home with my vibrator.

We are human and sex is a way to yes, express emotion, but also desire. Not all sexual encounters are like the tendril, pony tail scene is Avatar (the one with the blue people, not air bender) where the two become one and bond for life. 

If that were the case I’d be tethered to a man in Kappa Alpha that I’m pretty sure still resides somewhere in the corner of the frat basement.

(Yes, obviously my standards over the years have come and gone like the tides of change)

The point I’m trying to make is sex does not need to be this big deal. It absolutely can if that’s something you personally view as intimate, speaking for myself: I do not. Which wasn’t always my mindset. When I first began to explore my sexuality I thought if I had intercourse with someone it meant they wanted to date me.

Man did I learn that was was not the case quick.

Now I base a person's feelings for me on the way they treat me when an orgasm isn’t the incentive. Yes I know, moving up in the world.

Honestly there are probably people who will read this and judge me or think I am some variation of a modern day harlot (which to me sounds a lot classier than skank, slut or whore). To those people I say this, “Thanks for reading my blog! Hope your sex life isn’t boring and you read this far for a reason”

If you’re going to judge me or anyone on something like that I think that says a lot more about you than it does me. I am a woman very comfortable in my sexuality, and while a healthy, monogamous relationship filled with love and respect is my personal goal, that doesn’t mean I need to remain abstinent til some white knight comes with his sword in hand and the coveted key to my chastity belt.

At the end of day we are all sexual beings in some way shape or form, I say you should enjoy it when it comes your way, whatever that looks like for you. Unless feet are involved, then yes I do slightly judge you, but you do you.

I think this is the perfect instance where the saying ‘it takes two to tango’ comes into play. Any person can have sex with themself, but the actual act of sex is between two (or more if you’re spicy). The whole point of having sex with another person is that you both want to feel good and have a craving for human interaction and touch, otherwise I would be in a very committed relationship with my vibrator. 

Well, a polyamorous one because there’s two I switch between. Let me know if you want the link.

While my toys have given me more orgasms than any human man, neither of them have ever kissed my forehead or made me breakfast the next morning. So alas I remain on the dating scene.

If you made it this far you either really enjoyed it or have been taking a really long shit, either way glad to be part of your journey. As for takeaways from this article, here’s some cliff notes:

-Sex is about two people

-Be safe

-Communicate what you like (or don’t)

-The clit is the answer to all your problems, if you don’t know where it is ask her.

To my mom that is probably reading this - I love you and appreciate your continued support - hope this made you laugh.

To the rest of you fuckers, thanks also I guess.

Xoxo (Slutty) Mild Girl

not so tough

As much as I like to play big, bad femininion warrior queen; I am not as tough as I let on.

Let me rephrase that: I’m actually tougher.

I’m so ‘tough’ that sometimes I cry when no one is watching.

I’m so ‘tough’ that I lay awake at night wondering if I’m doing anything right.

I’m so ‘tough’ that the answer, “great” is always my response to how I’m doing so much that it’s an ingrained muscle memory

And I’m so ‘tough’ that I’m sitting here tapping away at my laptop wondering if a boy I barely know is going to text me.

I want so badly to have the ‘he doesn’t know what he’s missing’ narrative, but that’s not what the issue is here. The issue is that I allow this to have such a hold on me. For so long in my life I attested my self worth to whether or not a boy liked me.

I genuinely thought I had moved past this point. But like any unhealthy habit, without active upkeep to fend it off, it will unknowingly creep it’s way back into your life.

In high school this was my mentality: I didn’t have a boyfriend; therefore I was ugly and worthless.

This was at a point in my life where I was a multi-sport varsity athlete, on student council, valedictorian and in every club under the sun. The boys in my town couldn’t have even handled the success oozing from my fingertips.

I saw that facetiously because this (to your surprise) is not an entry about man-hating. It’s about self-support. Regardless of significant other or not, man or woman or whatever you identify as, we need to be self-sufficient. Regardless if you married your childhood best friend and you both live to your late 90’s there will be moments when you’re alone. Yes it’s beautiful to have someone (especially a partner) to lean on.

Trust me, I know.

When I first got sick my boyfriend at the time helped me in so many more ways than I could have thought. Outside of hospital trips he made me feel very loved and cared for in every little moment.

But.

I knew he was not my person. So as badly as I wanted someone to be by my side during chemo (outside my friends and family of course) I knew in my heart of hearts it was not right to go through something so life impacting with someone I knew I wasn’t going to marry.

During chemo any kind’ve romantic interaction was the last thing on my mind. It wasn’t until I moved out here to Phoenix that I even thought about redownloading my dating apps and putting myself back out there.

For months I would listen to podcasts on healthy relationships and make sure I was implementing these practices rather than just jumping into bed with the first cute guy that showed me any kind’ve attention.

Despite fighting tooth and nail to push past those negative thoughts that dictated my mind for so many years, they still manage to sink back in from time to time.

It seems self degradation is deeper infested in my bones than my stage iv cancer ever was.

He may text me, he may not.

Again, that is not what matters here.

I am worthy.

You are worthy.

I know it’s not as easy as reading that on a screen that will poof vanquish your inner demons, but maybe in some small way it will make you feel seen or heard? I am no mental health professional, in all honesty I never even started acknowledging my own mental health struggles until the last few years.

I am happy, but not all the time. No one is, so don’t pretend to be.

I beat cancer and sometimes my biggest worry is will a guy still be interested in me if I’m bald, when I wish I was worried about why I’ve felt so uninspired in my writing lately.

For now I am channeling my emotions into this (my writing).

Maybe this is a step in the right direction, but I’m still trying to figure it all out, and that’s okay.

***I will continue this at a later time but I am about to do a social experiment to tell if it will help.

This section you are reading now was written after the preceding material.

While in the woes of my feelings I decided to do something to get myself out of the funk. For me it was turning my phone on DND and going to my local dive bar to beat a bunch of middle-aged men in pool while sipping my ginger ale.

… and I’ll tell ya… it worked like a charm.

(actual footage of me from last night)

Now fret not, if you are not a coveted pool shark such as I, you still have options. Honestly you don’t even need to leave the house, for me a change of scenery and outside distractions seemed most fitting. But it can be as simple as playing fetch with your dog, putting on your favorite movie or curling up with a good book. Now disassociation is not always the best way to deal with you emotions, but I find when my mind is spinning in an unhealthy hamster wheel of thoughts I need those thoughts to migrate elsewhere. Therefore I introduce outside stimuli.

***not that middle-aged men are the most stimulating creature out there, but it worked for the time being.

Sometimes redirection allows your mind to move somewhere else and think about something that brings you joy rather than something that is causing you anxiety.

A little bit of a heavier post today, but I feel good about it. So thank you all for taking the time to read the outlet I use because I’m too poor for a real therapist and too much of a big mouth for a private journal. I truly can’t imagine what it’s like to keep one's thoughts and emotions to themselves. Never in my life do I think I’ll have a deep dark secret of my own, but somehow I am so utterly okay with that.

Love you all (yes even you)

Xoxo Mild Girl

Baggage

Relationship baggage is parallel to baggage claim at the airport in more than the verbatim.

You start out waiting, thinking you know what to expect based on the outside.

Ex. Man who has a good credit score and says he likes you, safe to assume he means it.

But then, once you grab your bag (commit) you may not be fully sure what exactly you grabbed until you open that sucker off. You may have a moment where you think to yourself, “hmm, I don’t remember that scuff on my suitcase…” but how many people have the exact same size carry-on as you in that distinct teal sheen? So you go ahead and grab it, maybe you even take the extra added precaution of glancing at the bag tag and see a worn out L, assume it stands for Lauren and go about your business.

To me this is a good representation of not addressing baggage and or doing the proper groundwork in a relationship before truly making that commitment. Had you just take the second to open up and peak at what’s inside you’d see that rather than your favorite pair of blue jeans is a heaping pile of daddy issues.

Okay that might actually be something you find in my suitcase.

That being said, I’m not saying on the first date you need to ask someone what their biggest trauma is, but I do think it’s fair to ask what their intentions would be were this to be continues, rather than continuing going on dates and silently hoping they will one day just up and declare their love with you, when in reality they’re fucking four other people.

Not to say it’s wrong to have multiple partners, I myself have dipped my toe in the celestial pool of hookup culture and found it quite satisfactory at times.

Okay maybe it was my ankle, but that’s as far as I’ll soberly admit to at this point in time.

Myself, as well as a lot of single people I know, have been in that everso coveted ‘situationship’. I don’t really know at what point the whole ‘acting cool’ thing became the universal view on how to date in your 20’s post 2018, but it spread and now any gossip column or all girl’s sleepover will tell you that is the way to make him like you: act like you couldn’t care less who or what he’s sticking his dick in.

Now let me say this: if you really don’t care then that’s a very appropriate way to act.

The key theme in that statement is transparency and acting in a way that reflects your feelings. Although I will say if your feelings are telling you your loins are burning and you want that man to put a baby in you, two months in might not be the time to address that exact view.

But what you should do if those are your feelings is act in a way that supports your fondness of the person and openly communicate what a committed relationship looks like to you.

Little did you know that L on the bag tag actually stood for low-self esteem, the kind that is indicative of unaddressed childhood trauma. Now before I get canceled I’m not saying there’s a single thing wrong with that, I myself have a fair share of demons I need to address. That being said I am actively working on those things and have no intention of allowing them to affect my relationships (yet somehow they manage to weasel their way in still), just last night it seems a semi-relationship thing I had entered into seems to have to come to an abrupt end. Now not to say it wasn’t maybe for the best and I am all too heartbroken about it, but the reason for the ending I think directly relates to my tendency to shy away from commitment and self-sabotage.

For instance, while I was unsure where I wanted this particular relationship to go, I was not the one to end that. A statement I saw very matter of factly, I have no shame in saying that’s what happened. And while yes it is sad when any relationship ends, let’s not have this silent narrative that the one who does the ending/ghosting/breaking up is the one who ends the relationship with the upper hand. In anything like that there is no winner.

***I will say I have a caveat that comes to mind in that I think any human that is strong enough to break way from their abuser is immensely admirable, while I have never been personally in an abusive, romantic relationship I can only begin to empathize to how hard that may be. 

But in the everyday ‘it fizzled out’ or ‘we were incompatible’ type of break up, there is no gold star to be received by whichever party came to the realization first. Rather it could be looked at as both sides losing - in most cases (not all) the hopes of a new relationship is to find a partner, rather that temporary companion. So while the ‘glass half full’ side of me wants to view it (and will continue to) as the next step in a journey to the person that is meant for you, it is natural for both parties to feel loss in a way; regardless if they’re in different capacities.

Whether it’s a leather duffle or a carry-on with a wonky wheel and a stubborn handle the outside is not a direct indicator of what’s inside.

Baggage comes in a lot more shapes than the emotional ones inside us.

It can be physical in a very literal sense. Maybe someone is divorced or has a child. Now I'm not saying these are bad qualities that make someone uneligible to date, but they are things to consider that would directly affect your relationship outside of the connection that just the two of you have.

For instance, that child will (and rightly should) always come before you, and in a new relationship that may be hard for someone unfamiliar with that dynamic. Addtionally if there's a divorce (regardless of a child or not) there could potentially be extra drama / factors associated with that.

I'm at a point where I'm not even sure I'd want to date a guy with the dog because if the relationship were to go anywhere that would involve blending families and my female dog is a bit of a bitch (and I don't just mean as her being a literal female dog).

I think any and everyone in this world deserves to love and feel loved. Regardless of their past (unless you're just plain evil, in which case you should just rot, respectfully). But that doesn't meabn there aren't people who are equipped to take on that baggage

Long story short, make sure to check what's inside before deciding to load up your car and take that bag home, it would have saved you a lot of your time and effort to have taken an extra step that frankly should always be a part of the process anyway, regardless of how obvious it may seem.

Just because you're both from the same hometown, met in church and got married after high school doesn't mean the both of you want to stay there or raise a family there; maybe one of you doesn't even want kids.

At the end of the day I just hope that you guard your heart and find the love you so deserve with any man/woman/person you so desire.

As always thanks for reading the stuff that usually comes to my mind 45 minutes after an edible mid Bridgerton episode.

Love and appreciate your time.

Xoxo Mild Girl