Why I Travel Solo

For so long in my life I would create these lists of things I wanted to do with people. 

Whether that be with friends, family or significant others. So much anticipation would build up as I delved into the idea that these would be such ‘perfect experiences’. That’s a tendency of mine my mother has recently enlightened me on: thinking things need to go a certain way.

I felt like I could only do it if there were others around.

It started small with, “Oh this would be a great restaurant to go on a dinner date with” and soon manifested to "oh I can’t wait to travel here with ____”. 

I feel like we’ve all been in those group chats where someone will send a reel saying, “oh my gosh we need to go here” or “mob?” as the youths would so eloquently put it. But, as I’m sure you will agree, 9/10 nothing comes from that.

I choose to not live my life like that. To not have to coordinate with schedules, PTO and everything in-between.

Not to say you won't want to save a certain thing or place that you want to save to experience with that special person, but you also need to be aware of the reality of it. Why are you thinking about a trip you’re going to take with the love of your life when there’s currently not even someone you have any sort of romantic relationship with?

For so long in my life I would not do things exclusively due to the fact that there was someone I wanted to do them with.

Ex. I would drag my family to each opening night of the new Star Wars movies when they couldn’t have cared less. Now in this instance, it was fine because they went since it was important to me, but they couldn’t have given a rats ass about whether or not Ray listened to Kylo and went to the dark side (off-topic but did Disney really need to make that relationship romantic? The whole time there was this brother/sister dynamic with how Ray viewed Solo as a father and then they had to fuck it up with that ill-timed kiss)

I digress.

The thing with this is, I would not have gone had they not gone with me, and that was something I had been waiting months to come to theaters.

Which personally to me, as I look back on it, is unhealthy.

Several months ago, I was seeing this guy who would make a point of asking me to ‘wait’ to experience certain things because he wanted to do them with me. 

Now I think there’s a time and place for the ‘specialness’ associated with experiencing something with someone for the first time. But also, I think by pre-determining when a ‘special’ moment is, makes it a whole hell of a lot less special.

One thing I’ve realized on some of my solo trips is that there are things I do genuinely want to experience with other humans, and even though I will not put off doing certain activities and just living my life the way that maximizes my joy

Last week when I was trudging 8.9 miles through chest-deep freezing cold water in Zion National Park and I couldn’t help but notice all the couples also completing this hike. To give a visual on what this hike looks like, the entire time you’re walking through a ravine of varying depths in a narrow canyon, trying to not trip over rocks

All these couples had one another to lean on and support them on this venture, and I was just trying my best to not be swept off my feet by the current (but hey at least someone would be then). 

By doing this it’s made me realize the standards to set for what I want in life. 

I want someone who will go on hikes with me. I want to be ninety walking on a trail with the love of my life and are copious amounts of dogs

Also this is a time in my life where there are all sorts of things I get to experience as a single woman that I might not if I were on these excursions with another person, regardless of platonic or romantic in nature.

You know what I did last night? I went to a clothing optional hot tub at my communal living air bnb. It was me and a twenty-five year-old man from Texas and his friend, dick.

See what I did there?

Sitting there, in this vulnerable way with a complete stranger was honestly so empowering. Don’t get me wrong, the bottle of Barefoot Moscato I downed before getting into the tub also aided as a bit of an external form of encouragement.

It’s not about being naked with a stranger or the sexual tension you’re not entirely sure whether you’re making up or not. It’s the power of decision. Now don’t get me wrong depending on your relationship maybe you can or would still have an experience. But if I were in a relationship right now I probably still would’ve gone in the hot tub, but out of respect for my significant other I probably would have left when another single man came (especially a naked one).

But there’s also just a renowned openness to people, especially of the opposite sex when you are single. Not only are you not preoccupied or worried about coming across a certain way, but you (in my experience) tend to be more open to experiences.

I think we forget, especially as young people in the peak of our sexualness and wanting, that to be naked and flirting doesn’t have to directly result in sex. As I look back on my most recent adventure, the taste of the maintenance man still on my lips I really revel in this period of my life. For my entire stay at this air bnb we had multiple occasions that could have resulted in us in bed together. That didn’t happen. In all honesty there was a text I didn’t see last night where had I seen it, the narrative I’m writing now would probably be different.

But I didn’t and no sex was had. In all honesty, the situation was joked about the next morning over a cup of coffee. That being said, it’s neither right nor wrong that was our experience. For where my head is right now, I’m content with how that story ended. With a kiss goodbye and this mentality of ‘what could’ve been’, but perhaps that’s just the writer in me.

I don’t wish away a healthy, loving relationship, but at the same time I will not sit in solace and not take the time to appreciate this time in my life.

I find beauty in knowing that at this moment in time there is not a single person in this world that know where I am or what I’m doing, a lot of the times they don’t even know what state I’m in. One day I will have a significant other that is always aware, and not in an overwhelming way. But coming from a place of love and wanting to ensure my safety.

Last year when I drove cross-country during an extreme thunderstorm and flash-flood with limited service I had several missed calls from my then boyfriend because my trip took an extra four hours from detours.

That’s a love I haven’t felt in a long time.

Yes I have close friends that have my location and can check at their leisure, but no one is actively looking to check on my safety / that knows my itinerary.

My mom would if she could, but if I told her half of the shit I do she would’ve had a coronary by now.

So for the sake of my own sanity, I will continue to explore this beautiful world we live in on my own (and my dogs of course), until I come across the right person that I will allow to fully experience it with me.

As always thanks for reading lovelies, appreciate you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Communicating your Needs

Notice how the term ‘needs’ is capitalized - remember back in eighth grade when you were learning the rules of grammar and your english teacher explained that essentially to identify what you need to capitalize in a title is to just identify the important parts and go from there. Well, this is that. I am taking the very literal stance to signify that your needs are important.

What do you really need from a relationship? I’m not talking about want, need. 

Maybe you don’t need a person who is 6’5”, but also maybe you do because it helps to make you feel small or in your femininity. And maybe you need that (but I will also say as your friend from a mental health standpoint this is something that should be satisfied by yourself, but I won’t judge, we all have our insecurities.. Trust me). 

Let’s take this over from a different realm to the world of anxiety. Maybe you need someone who is a good communicator and will tell you if they’re unable to text for extended periods of time in advance, rather than someone who says, “sorry I was in meetings all day”. Not to say one is right or wrong, it’s all based on your *personal needs.

*I wanted to say preferences but I feel like it’s so much deeper than that

Here’s the thing though: you can communicate those needs to someone who doesn’t naturally fulfill them, BUT you have to really listen to not only their response, but their actions in regards to their response. If you tell a man that you need more from him, and he says he can’t give that to you: run for the hills.

I know, easier said than done.

But no they are not just going to suddenly change their mind and decide what they're capable of is different, and even if that is the case do you want someone who will compromise that part of themself or someone that will say they are capable of that from the getgo. I get there’s a part of the innate want to have a “man be different for you’ but do we as women really want these “fix me” projects? Or do we want someone that can deliver from the start and tell us they can give us what we want rather than us hoping they may someday become the person we think they can be.

You also need to be aware if someone says they can change and then continue to not only not change, but also not make an effort to do so. It’s one thing if you can tell they’re actively working on it, and another just saying words to appease you or avoid a tough conversation. I recently had a manager that would always tell me he was empathetic to my recent health situation. Because he said those words, I assumed he was. It wasn’t until months later of my own constant anxiety over work that I realized jusy because he said he was empathetic, doesn’t mean he was. Now I won’t speak for him and ultimately label this guy as either empathetic or not, but I’ll give you some facts.

As a side effect (early on) from chemo I experienced intense ‘chemo brain’. Basically the drugs that had been pumped into my blood stream had messed with the neurological function of my brain and I would genuinely forget that certain conversations ever took place. Including conversations with my manager in regards to training.

Now I understand the frustration of having to essentially ‘re-teach’ or ‘re-answer’ certain questions, we’ve all had that friend in the group chat that texts, “What’s the address of the bar?/What time are we getting there?” when it is quite literally a scroll up in the chat away.

(I won’t lie, I did that today)

And it’s annoying, I get it. You’re like, really? You couldn’t have taken the .002 seconds to figure it out yourself?

So yeah, fuck me for asking what day we were doing happy hour again, but when it comes to the chemo brain thing, I think I’ll give myself a pass here. You don’t have to, go ahead and chalk it up to me not being proactive enough, but if you know me, and i mean really know me: you know the kind of worker I am.

But enough about me and my maybe unempathetic manager.

Let’s get back to your Needs, the highlight of the article. Now I wanna preface that I’m primarily going to address needs a romantic context, but this applies to so much more: friends, family…. managers..

As my wise friend Taylor often reminds me, the beginning of the relationship is meant to be the easiest part. You’re excited, there’s no conflict and you still shave every time before sex.

So when he/she/they/them/it/muggles are already effecting your mental health/compromising your needs right off the bat, where do you really think it’s gonna go from there? If it’s early on in a relationship and you’re already making significant compromises then you need to take a real look at what you’re getting yourself into.

Something i saw on social media the other day with how we justify our mentalities in relationships really resonated. If a dog growled at you and bared it’s teeth.. Would you keep approaching it? Would you have this mentality, maybe I change it’s mind and it just doesn’t know me yet?

As someone who has pulled over for a lot of stray dogs, and I meant A LOT.

(Got a tetanus shot last month because I pulled a stray dog out of the road and it bit me)

So no, I don’t listen to my own advice and this translates to my dating life because I am chronically single and probably will continue to be so until I stop wasting my time on assholes. But hey, it gives you all some content to read about my mediocre love life, so I’ll take a win where I can.

Take a minute: what are your needs?

I’ll give you some of mine (this way you can hold me accountable if you see me with someone not fulfilling them):

I Need:

-someone who respects my relationship with the lord, they don’t have to agree, but never will I be with someone who belittles it

-someone who does not diminish my independence and not be turned off when I would sometimes rather go on a solo hike and disappear for a bit than go grab lunch

-someone who is not allergic to cats/dogs (unless he’s willing to take shots on the daily - we all know I live in an actual zoo)

Maybe your needs are as simple as wanting to spend a little more quality time with your partner, or maybe they’re a little more complicated because you need your boyfriend to up his game in the bedroom because you’re three years in and he still can’t identify where the clit is.

I had a conversation with my ex recently.

I feel like that sounds toxic, but it was very healthy in ways I can’t fully put into words: mostly because I don’t really care to.

Him and I reminisced on our relationship, not so much in an “i miss you way” but moreso an “I’m grateful to have had you in my life way”. Looking back there were needs of mine he couldn’t fulfill, and I’m sure that goes both ways. Which was a big part of why we are no longer together, had we clung onto the hope that we could maybe ‘change the other person’ that would have cause only animosity on both ends. Now instead of that we can talk and I still text him here and there to get vet advice from his mom.

I hope this gives you an opportunity to think about what it is you need right now and maybe even have that hard conversation to let that person know. Or maybe you just took a nasty shit and I am privileged enough to have been your electronic bathroom read, since no one (unfortunately) reads the paper anymore.

I hope this was a little more or at least equivalently enjoyable as mindlessly scrolling through TikTok (depending on your algorithm).

As always genuinely love and appreciate you for taking the time to read, skim, stare, whatever you did. Even if you hated it.. Get fucked I still stole some of your day and you have to ruminate in that now.

Stay mild my loves.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Sex + Pleasure

Theoretically two sides of the same coin; on one we have pleasure and the other sex. While often affiliated with one another, the two do not necessarily go hand in hand.

Especially if you’re a sexually active woman in her late teens/early twenties.

So many guys like to talk this big game on how good they are in bed, when in reality the only true experience they have is their right hand (sorry lefties). Just because you’ve mastered how to make your imagination think your apendage is actually that of your early childhood babysitter, doesn't mean you truly know how to pleasure someone other than yourself.

I will say the same CAN be said for women, but I feel as if there is actually a greater correlation between overall pleasure/experience for both parties and a woman’s own ability to pleasure herself. Although I think this stems from a place of how oftentimes in unsatisfactory sexual experiences a woman feigns to ask for what she really wants (if she even knows) is unable to communicate to her partner how to pleasure her. More often a woman who is comfortable in her sexuality and identity as a sexual being knows going into something what she wants/needs. I think the same can be said for intimate, romantic relationships that form out of connection rather than physicality. I’d like to think that someone looking for a relationship is actively doing things that correlate to that goal. Whereas someone who just wants to hook up may act differently.

Then again I say I want a healthy, mature adult relationship and here I am alone in a bar with my tits out silently hoping to attract a member of the opposite sex. But don’t worry today my loves I will ensure this blog is of my utmost priorities and put any potential suitors on the back burner. 

The best sex I have had in my life was definitely not with those pretentious little frat fuck Chads that are convinced their dick is of the same standing as the coveted Arthurian holy grail.

No. The best experiences in my life ranked as follows:

Guys that were bullied in high school

Tatted men who don’t cut their hair

Anyone foreign

30 year-old’s (Shoutout Jeff from IT)

Just the other day I was talking to a close friend about the differences of sex for both men and women. Specifically we were talking about the need for protection to prevent both unwanted STD’s and pregnancies.

Let’s think about this quick: in order to make a baby, a man needs to climax during sex. 

Can you imagine how quickly our issues of overpopulation would be solved if that were also true for a woman? I didn’t have my first orgasm until two, almost three years after I became sexually active.

Not only can you have sex without pleasure, but much more importantly (in my professional opinion) is that you can have pleasure without sex.

Foreplay is a thing of the Gods.

The Greek ones that walked around in loincloths for fun and fed each other grapes on the daily.

I mean the things I would have let Julius Ceasar do to me… I have no boundaries and I still would not write them out here for the public eye to gaze upon.

After going on several more dates lately it has become even more evident that at the end of the day men really do want one thing: sex.

Even those thirty-something year-olds that say they’re looking for their ‘life partner’ but proceed to invite you home with them after a first date and then never text you again after you respectfully decline their invitation.

I can’t help but wonder what would have happened had I gone with him? I was incredibly attracted to him and arguably one of the best dates I’ve been on. Our kiss was electric in the sense there was none of that ‘you go this way’ bullshit and even the amount of tongue used by the both of us was perfectly proportionate. Granted I was perhaps a bit buzzed so that could have added to it, but I’ll call it chemistry.

Now before I go any further this is not me advocating to sleep with a guy to get him to like you. Merely I am thinking out loud. I Can’t help but wonder. Also what sucks is I genuinely WANTED to fuck this man. 

BUT I DIDN’T BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO BE MORE INTENTIONAL ABOUT DATING OR WHATEVER.

But if he was going to ghost me anyway you’re telling me I could have at least gotten a good lay out of it? 

So now I find myself in this limbo. I have deleted my apps (and intermitendly redownloaded them) but I find  myself wondering if I just fuck who I want when I want and go from there to see where life takes me.

I think I have gotten it into my head that I am this prize to be earned. Now not to say I’m not but I don’t need to hold back sex as some sort of weapon to without and hope and pray a man finds worth in me without it. I mean even in Harry Potter the golden snitch gets to get some oral in the process of the game.

Again not advocate for using sex as a way to make a man want you, but also am reminding that you don’t need to withhold to try and fulfill some societal urge to be ‘earned’. I do need effort and certain things from a man when it comes to an adult relationship. But if I think someone’s attractive and genuinely want to have sex with them then I don’t need to wait ‘just because’.

I will say I think there’s a caveat when it comes to this because some people can’t have unattached sex. I for one do not directly correlate sex with emotional intimacy. So it works for me.

I recently slept with an Irish man who lives in Dabai and will never see again and am so glad that happened, but haven’t thought of him since other than to relay this information to you. And I’ll tell you this, he FUCKED like an Irish man in the BEST of way.

Moral of the story, I think I need some unattached sex in my life and will leave you lovely readers to see what I can do about that.

Reminder to not attest sex to what it means to society but genuinely what it means to you, because no ones else’s views fucking matter.

Love and appreciate you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl