Baggage

Relationship baggage is parallel to baggage claim at the airport in more than the verbatim.

You start out waiting, thinking you know what to expect based on the outside.

Ex. Man who has a good credit score and says he likes you, safe to assume he means it.

But then, once you grab your bag (commit) you may not be fully sure what exactly you grabbed until you open that sucker off. You may have a moment where you think to yourself, “hmm, I don’t remember that scuff on my suitcase…” but how many people have the exact same size carry-on as you in that distinct teal sheen? So you go ahead and grab it, maybe you even take the extra added precaution of glancing at the bag tag and see a worn out L, assume it stands for Lauren and go about your business.

To me this is a good representation of not addressing baggage and or doing the proper groundwork in a relationship before truly making that commitment. Had you just take the second to open up and peak at what’s inside you’d see that rather than your favorite pair of blue jeans is a heaping pile of daddy issues.

Okay that might actually be something you find in my suitcase.

That being said, I’m not saying on the first date you need to ask someone what their biggest trauma is, but I do think it’s fair to ask what their intentions would be were this to be continues, rather than continuing going on dates and silently hoping they will one day just up and declare their love with you, when in reality they’re fucking four other people.

Not to say it’s wrong to have multiple partners, I myself have dipped my toe in the celestial pool of hookup culture and found it quite satisfactory at times.

Okay maybe it was my ankle, but that’s as far as I’ll soberly admit to at this point in time.

Myself, as well as a lot of single people I know, have been in that everso coveted ‘situationship’. I don’t really know at what point the whole ‘acting cool’ thing became the universal view on how to date in your 20’s post 2018, but it spread and now any gossip column or all girl’s sleepover will tell you that is the way to make him like you: act like you couldn’t care less who or what he’s sticking his dick in.

Now let me say this: if you really don’t care then that’s a very appropriate way to act.

The key theme in that statement is transparency and acting in a way that reflects your feelings. Although I will say if your feelings are telling you your loins are burning and you want that man to put a baby in you, two months in might not be the time to address that exact view.

But what you should do if those are your feelings is act in a way that supports your fondness of the person and openly communicate what a committed relationship looks like to you.

Little did you know that L on the bag tag actually stood for low-self esteem, the kind that is indicative of unaddressed childhood trauma. Now before I get canceled I’m not saying there’s a single thing wrong with that, I myself have a fair share of demons I need to address. That being said I am actively working on those things and have no intention of allowing them to affect my relationships (yet somehow they manage to weasel their way in still), just last night it seems a semi-relationship thing I had entered into seems to have to come to an abrupt end. Now not to say it wasn’t maybe for the best and I am all too heartbroken about it, but the reason for the ending I think directly relates to my tendency to shy away from commitment and self-sabotage.

For instance, while I was unsure where I wanted this particular relationship to go, I was not the one to end that. A statement I saw very matter of factly, I have no shame in saying that’s what happened. And while yes it is sad when any relationship ends, let’s not have this silent narrative that the one who does the ending/ghosting/breaking up is the one who ends the relationship with the upper hand. In anything like that there is no winner.

***I will say I have a caveat that comes to mind in that I think any human that is strong enough to break way from their abuser is immensely admirable, while I have never been personally in an abusive, romantic relationship I can only begin to empathize to how hard that may be. 

But in the everyday ‘it fizzled out’ or ‘we were incompatible’ type of break up, there is no gold star to be received by whichever party came to the realization first. Rather it could be looked at as both sides losing - in most cases (not all) the hopes of a new relationship is to find a partner, rather that temporary companion. So while the ‘glass half full’ side of me wants to view it (and will continue to) as the next step in a journey to the person that is meant for you, it is natural for both parties to feel loss in a way; regardless if they’re in different capacities.

Whether it’s a leather duffle or a carry-on with a wonky wheel and a stubborn handle the outside is not a direct indicator of what’s inside.

Baggage comes in a lot more shapes than the emotional ones inside us.

It can be physical in a very literal sense. Maybe someone is divorced or has a child. Now I'm not saying these are bad qualities that make someone uneligible to date, but they are things to consider that would directly affect your relationship outside of the connection that just the two of you have.

For instance, that child will (and rightly should) always come before you, and in a new relationship that may be hard for someone unfamiliar with that dynamic. Addtionally if there's a divorce (regardless of a child or not) there could potentially be extra drama / factors associated with that.

I'm at a point where I'm not even sure I'd want to date a guy with the dog because if the relationship were to go anywhere that would involve blending families and my female dog is a bit of a bitch (and I don't just mean as her being a literal female dog).

I think any and everyone in this world deserves to love and feel loved. Regardless of their past (unless you're just plain evil, in which case you should just rot, respectfully). But that doesn't meabn there aren't people who are equipped to take on that baggage

Long story short, make sure to check what's inside before deciding to load up your car and take that bag home, it would have saved you a lot of your time and effort to have taken an extra step that frankly should always be a part of the process anyway, regardless of how obvious it may seem.

Just because you're both from the same hometown, met in church and got married after high school doesn't mean the both of you want to stay there or raise a family there; maybe one of you doesn't even want kids.

At the end of the day I just hope that you guard your heart and find the love you so deserve with any man/woman/person you so desire.

As always thanks for reading the stuff that usually comes to my mind 45 minutes after an edible mid Bridgerton episode.

Love and appreciate your time.

Xoxo Mild Girl