Untitled Work

There are days where I feel this incestious joy for life.

The kind you see in the cut to scenes of movies.. dancing with a loved one in the kitchen.

Obviously not a kitchen but you’d be surprised how limited the ‘dancing in kitchen’ GIF genre is

For me that loved one is my dog(s).

Then there are days where I long for sleep to take me and propel me farther away from this day I’m in.

I want so badly to not be someone who lets this life pass me by.

Just when I seem to escape for just long enough..

I get drug back in by the reality of bills, self-fulfillment (or lack thereof) and most overwhelmingly time.

We have no time in this earth, truly.

But at the same time, we have an infinite amount.

You can do anything you want at any given day.

I won’t go as extreme as to say you could just book a one way flight to Paris, although it is true, but you could choose to do something out of character.. something that brings you joy.

if you won’t listen to me listen to this random lady

Go to a trampoline park.

Pack a picnic and go to the park.

Go skydiving.

Ask out a stranger.

Get ordained online.

I don’t give a fuck what it is.

But for the love of God don’t get stuck.

I don’t know if I’ve actually fallen victim to the spell society and the workface places on people but I feel a loyalty to my work because I enjoy it, truly.

I know the feeling of cog in a machine.

I’ve been many a cog.

Retail, Food Service, Logistics, Entertainer, Caretaker (ironic because I struggle to maintain myself in this life).

I find purpose in whatever work I’m doing as I love the feeling of being an active member of society.. and having a paycheck deposited into my account every other Friday.

Maybe that’s just what “the man” or “big brother” wants me to think.. although I’m currently of the belief this is a feeling I’ve conjured up all on my own.

I don’t know if that would be better or worse ..

I wear this cloak of “knowing” whenever I’m around others. So dead set that I know my purpose in life.

Yet seemingly stuck at the same time. I’m I actually not ready to take the next step in my future or am I scared. If so of what..?

Failure?

Rejection?

..Actually Suceeding?

I fear being forgotten.

But at the same time shy away when people truly look at me.

Whether that’s an issue of self worth or the introvert within isn’t relevant to me right now.

What do I want in life?

Joy.

Exuding joy.

To be the person so immaculately happy that you don’t believe there’s anyway they are truly truly that happy.

Is this realistic?

Maybe not.

But since when has chasing realistic goals made anyone truly happy?

“Oh yay Tom you made partner! Now you and your wife can afford the cruise that won’t save your marriage”

Because money can’t buy happiness.

I write that but at the same time I’m not 100% sure I agree.

I think if I had more money I would be happier. I think I’d be less stressed about my life and my neck would probably hurt less because I could afford a flight that doesn’t have a 13 hour overnight layover.

But at the same time, I choose to stress over things, something I love to remind my mother.

We can’t choose what happens to us in this life, but we can choose what we do about it.

In this life I choose to seek happiness.

Whether I always find it is less the point and more of a guiding light.

Happiness in my Northern Star.

Perhaps I’ll discover some other constellations along the way.

I was feeling rather…

Nostalgic? Sentimental? Inspired?

Honestly I’m not sure. But I haven’t been here in a while so here’s a peak as to what was going on in my head earlier.

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read these as always.

Xoxo Mild Girl