Change is Incremental

Some days I think I can’t even remember the girl I used to be and other days it’s like I can’t escape her.

The cool thing about change is it’s easier than you think. Just do it differently.

That doesn’t mean you’ll get whatever it is right or accomplish what exactly you’re hoping to on the first try. But that’s how we start working towards those goals. In the last few days I took some time to really question if I’ve grown since 2015. 

A dark year for all of us I’m sure.

In the span of those twelve months I both started high school and the world renowned boy band ‘One Direction’ broke up. Both were extremely traumatic and still effect me to this very day.

In my everyday life there are themes of things I struggle with now that I did at that age: confidence, self-worth, body image (you know all the things the magazines tell us we should only have if you’re a size 00 and had long blonde hair).

I remember being a young teen always reading the headlines of the tabloids at the grocery checkout line with my mom, memorizing any and all fad diets so that I may look them up later.

Luckily I detest grapefruits so the highly restrictive grapefruit diet that is advertised to help you lose 10 lbs in a week was a short-lived endeavor at the time.

I’d like to take a second to provide a friendly reminder that we are all fucking humans with normal vices and imperfections.

Now I still have those days where I feel like my jeans are too tight or something doesn’t fit me quite how I had envisioned it, and that’s so okay. That being said, I also have the days where i am completely comfortable putting my most vulnerable self online for anyone to see. My social media isn’t private and part of my mentality is that I have nothing to hide. While my mom isn’t the biggest fan of this (sorry mom) I genuinely don’t care if any kind of employer sees what I’m posting. If they think the kind, witty, sarcastic person filled to the brim with candor that I am is not the best ‘look for their company’ then I don’t want it. I’ve also realized with my life that while I once thought my dream was to climb the corporate ladder I am now more so bidding time and gathering experiences until I am in the phase of life where I can start my own business.

I love the outlook I have on life and would love to be apply to apply that and the passionate work ethic I have into an outlet that puts good out into the world.

ANY WHO.

Back to your regularly scheduled programming.. AKA the link you click when you’re bored and the TikTok algorithm just aint cutting it. I refuse to be anyone’s second choice in my personal life, but when it comes to this, I’m just happy you’re here.

How can we tell if we’re really changing for the better?

Similar to our bodies, our minding and neuro pathways can fluctuate.

Every once in a while (more often than we’d like to admit) that little devil on our should rears it’s ugly head and we revert to some old habit or mentality in the blink of an eye.

Again, this is normal.

What you do next or how you handle the temptation to fall back into what feels normal is what’s really important. On a recent podcast I was listening to Sabrina Zohar spoke of uncomfortability and overcoming anxiety and several great points were made.

In order for any kind’ve change to happen, you have to alter something. That’s the literal definition of change so hopefully no controversy there.

We as humans are innately these creatures of habit.

We find something we like, and stick to it, some more than others.

Now there are things in life that deserve a steadfast mentality: relationships, values, morals. All the things lacking from your average college aged male.

What Ms. Zohar said to me (as if we were conversing and I wasn’t listening to her in my car on the way to work) was about the concept of detox. Usually when I hear the term ‘detox’ I think of drugs, alcohol and any other controlled substance. While this may be the context we hear it in the most often, there are so many others its applicable to. You can go through the detox process of anything, even a mentality. For instance when I was younger I used to wake up every day weigh myself and regardless of what that number said I thought it should be smaller. Part of that detox process did include a physical act of putting the scale away, but a much bigger part of it was repeatedly telling myself that I am happy and healthy and that just because the size of my jeans may be bigger than another girls does not make me less than.

Let’s take a more literal example: say tomorrow I decided I wanted to eat healthier. Pretend my diet consisted of a mix of processed and fast foods. If I were to make the change to locally sourced fruit and veg and prioritize protein and putting good quality ingredients in my body I might start to notice some things. 

What you probably think I’m going to say is how much better I would theoretically start feeling. Well, that’s probably true eventually, but in actuality it’s much more likely that for that first week your body actual has trouble processing. You notice you have indigestion and maybe your bowel movements aren’t quite what you’re usually seeing. That’s because your body has to adjust. Same if someone is wanting to start yoga, you’re probably going to be pretty sore that first week or so. These are both examples of detox and uncomfortability. Some people may say they don’t want to be sore and they wanted to start working out to feel better, but that’s not the result they’re seeing.

We live in this culture where the concept of instant gratification is at our finger tips twenty-four seven. Craving ice cream at midnight? Doordash. You’re horny? Tinder. As long as you’re willing to potentially compromise your values a bit, there are instant options.

The point I want to make when it comes to change is that in order to overcome sometimes we have to sit in the uncomfortability and let it play it’s course before we can grow and be somehow who naturally possesses the ability to do XYZ (fill in with whatever it is you’re working towards).

Maybe you’re going sober, trying to eat better, dating with intention, whatever it is that’s important to you that is your goal, doing the thing that makes it possible might not be easy. I haven’t drank in 15 days and today I didn’t even think of alcohol, but last week I remember several instances where I had wished I had an emotional support beer in my hand.

Change can be good, but change can be hard.

If there’s something in your life you’re trying to change and it’s not as easy or straightforward as you thought, that’s okay. I encourage you to push forward and persevere.

As always I appreciate you taking the time to read my nonsense, see you next time.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Greatest Love Story of All

Now that you’ve fallen prey to my strategically worded clickbait, this is not a romantic love story.

This is something much more important to me at this phase of my life: the love I feel for myself.

Oftentimes here I like to write about sex, social media, drinking and all that good stuff, but seeing as I recently committed to the 75 Hard challenge (it’s only day four, don’t worry I’m not that impressive) I guess we will stray to something a bit more.. Vulnerable.

You may notice a pattern of of sarcastic quips and semi-shitty remarks throughout my blog posts (if you’re a true fan that is). Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll still manage to pragmatically slip them in here and there, but I am going to attempt to show a bit more of a vulnerable side to you vivacious readers today.

So buckle up fuckers and enjoy the ride. 😎

***See I already did it

There’s just something to be said about the anonymity you internally feel behind a screen that allows us to feel just the slightest bit more bold.

Just think about the concept of double texting, if you were having a conversation face to face with a person and they literally didn’t respond to you in that moment would you follow up with eight more unsolicited sentences ?

(Well maybe if you’re a creepy guy at the bar)

You may do the equivalent of emphasizing a message by repeating your statement in the case of events you literally weren’t heard, but let’s be real on the actual likelihood of that.

I used to live under this mentality that when it came to the coveted ‘double text’ I didn’t really give a flying fuck. Honestly, despite the past tense indication of the word used, I still don’t really care.

But I have slightly altered my mentality in regards to it. When it comes to friends, family and loved ones I frankly don’t really think that matters at all. 

*I would say a caveat to the friendship component is if there’s someone in your life who is constantly taking and never seems to be supporting you in the ways you need there may be a reevaltion in order. That being said any relationship (whether it be platonic, familial or romantic) is not a balancing scale that will remain at this equally weighted homeostasis. There absolutely are seasons of give and take, but when someone is ONLY wanting the weight to be lifted from their scale.. Well it may be time to reevaluate.

From the time we’re young girls we’re fed these countless examples of a man in shining armor coming to sweep us of our feet and take all worries away so that we can just talk to birds and bake pies for the rest of our lives.

Now while my cat is an excellent conversationalist and my oven is currently preheating for the muffins I have waiting, those are components of life. I don’t really care what someone does with their life, whatever makes you happy honestly, but it’s really hard for me to conceptualize the desire and fulfillment someone could get out of a life of what I essentially view as hobbies.

(I say that but the concept of van life whispers it’s sweet nothings in my ear multiple times a week and that is a similar concept, but we all are different, so again no judgment just hard for me to see joy in that)

What I find demeaning is when someone (usually women) are expected to want/like/do certain things. If you know me you know I have never liked being told what to do, oftentimes even if it’s something for my own good it’s hard for me to want to hear it when the thought itself did not come from yours truly.

The whole way we go about dating and courtship is an enigma to me. I hate this idea that women are expected to sit back while a man is meant to come and conquer her heart.

I think there are times where I will play up the more intrinsically ‘masculine centric’ qualities I posses to those around me because I want so badly to be viewed in a respected manner.

Along with English and some haphazard Spanish, another language I’m fluent in is sarcasm. 

Part of it is because I feel it allows me to feel more confident and in control in a situation, and partly because I find the act of verbally abusing men to be endearing.

But that’s not for everyone, which is so very okay. The last couple partners I had were very sweet men, but didn’t always love my sarcasm. Now in a real relationship I can definitely agree that there’s a time and place for jokes. Sometimes a partner may need those words of affirmation, but when one (or both) of you know that’s a big way in how the other communicates I also feel that there should be somewhat of an understanding to not take all they say at face value.

For instance, about a year ago I was seeing a guy and there were several instances where I made jokes in which the punchline was insinuating he had a phallus that was less than average in length. Now there are a couple things to be noted here:

1. I very much so was not serious

2. It was never right before, during or after any kind’ve physical intimacy 

3. I actually prefer smaller sizes because I’ve got a gag reflex like a mother fucker

There came a point where he nicely asked me to not make those kind’ve remarks. On one hand, speak your truth king, but on the other hand don’t be a little bitch. 

See this is also where I say something but wonder if i’m a bit of a hypocrite, because I definitely would not want someone I’m sleeping with to insult my genitals in any way shape or form, but also I feel like that’s not really a thing as much when it comes to the female anatomy.

We get berated enough for everything else in life so they leave our pussy alone (verbally that is).

Despite this nonsensical tangent I’ve taken you on, my point is that part of self-love (in my opinion) and creating a romantic love that there will be give and take. This concept that it's all on the man kind've promotoes the idea that women just wait around to be chosen, does it not?

Not saying that there can’t be any sort of compromise, but when one party has a completely different outtake on life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness than you then what’s really keeping you together? Probably the sex and the intrinsic fear that you won’t find someone else and will end up alone.

I know too many people who have been together for so long and at such a young age that I fear they never really got the chance to be comfortable with being alone. Now I am a relationship person, but that doesn’t mean I want to constantly bounce around from one to another. 

To this day, on my 24 years on this earth, I have been single for about 23 of them. I have become VERY comfortable with being alone, and in that it has allowed me to become comfortable in myself. 

While I do want love and to have that kind’ve bond and partnership with a person romantically, had I had a highschool, or even college sweetheart I don’t think I would be anywhere close to being the woman I am today.

I could probably tell you the exact moment I first ever experienced the feeling of self-consciousness. Choir class in elementary school, I heard a couple girls remark about another girls ‘muffin top’. Prior to that moment I had never even heard the term and didn’t fully understand it til when I got home and entered it into the search bar engine. I was appalled to find out it was her body they were referring to.

I didn’t even know commenting on someone else’s body was a thing.

From that day on I began looking at my own body differently, wondering if I too had muffin top. Body image is hard for men and women alike, there are standards set forth by mass media indicating the ‘ideal beach body’. I truly believe that every body is a beach body, although I will say I think there’s a point to be made about actual physical health and overall well-being. There’s a difference if you can’t see you V line or you can’t see your belly button.

In just my family there have been multiple family members who struggle with obesity and this has affected my life and how I see myself in more ways than one. From the types of foods that I grew up thinking were normalized (pick something out at the gas station on the way to school for breakfast) to my unhealthy obsession with the number on scale. In my junior year of high school I personally struggled with an eating disorder. I remember the feeling of pride I had in myself when I went an entire day without eating. I also developed an unhealthy and addictive relationship with exercise. Everyday after two hours of volleyball practice and lifting I’d either go run on the track or my neighborhood and tell myself toxic thoughts to keep going such as: “if you stop you don’t love God or you hate your family”.

In the span of about 3 months I lost 30 pounds, and I was an active athlete so I didn’t really have thirty pounds to lose.

Every now and then those toxic traits creep their ugly heads back into my life for a split second.

I remember one of the things I genuinely thought when I was diagnosed was: “at least chemo will make me skinny”. Now I’d like to hope that was more of a coping mechanism of a thought than genuine desire.

But what I can say at this exact moment in time, is that for the first time in my life I am living my life in a way that listens to my body and what it needs rather than pushing it to the brink in order to achieve a certain outcome in terms of the number on the scale.

While I still own one, I couldn’t tell you the last time I stepped on it, but I’m proud to say it hasn’t been since I moved into my new home.

I know this article is meant to be about self love, and I keep mentioning romantic love, but for me and my journey that’s one of the areas where my growth in self love has become increasingly evident.

For too many years I allowed men to walk all over me and I was so grateful to just feel wanted and chosen that I would take whatever I could get. So many people (both men and women) fall into this mentality that if you’re alone, you’re less than. But what I can tell you from the life I’ve lived are some of my happiest moments where I felt the most alive, as well as some of my proudest accomplishments have been when I was alone. That absolutely does not take away from any accomplished feat as a team, but for me it’s been transformational. 

A true power partnership has the ability to amplify, but you cannot amplify if there is not love within yourself to give to another.

Anything x 0 = Zero

*Want to take note i came up with that just now and think I sound wise as hell

I’m not sure I believe in unconditional romantic love, I think every person has breaking points, but I sure as hell believe in unconditional self love. But with self love, comes self accountability.

There are things we as people will have to work through, although a partner should be there in the most trying of times to support you, if you go through something that fundamentally changes who you are as a person, that may not be the person they committed to. It is also important they are self-serving to what is best for them. Now I’m not saying breakup with your girlfriend because she went vegan and you love to hunt. I think we live in a society that has evolved enough to accept differences and embrace the beauty that is how different we all are from one another.

That being said, if a partner betrays your trust or is consistently acting out of character than the person you THOUGHT they were, then that might not be the best situation for you.

There will be people in your life that come and go, but at the end of the day we are the only person on earth that was with us the moment we entered this world, and will be the only one there with us through that journey to the moment we leave this world.

So I think it is so effervescently important that you are giving back to that person you see in the mirror. 

Well I need to go to work now so thanks for putting up with my nonsense thus far and hope you continue to do so in the near future.. in all seriousness I love and appreciate you all.

Xoxo Mild Girl

Social Media isn't Toxic, we are.

We as a society love to place blame on anyone but ourselves.

Just look at what happened this week on the bachelorette…

.. if you haven’t seen it yet honestly just keep reading because you either weren’t going to watch it anyway or TikTok has spoiled it for you.

First and foremost I’d like to preface that I in no way think Bachelor nation is truly a good way for someone to find love, honestly I just find it to be addictive (somewhat trashy, depending on the season) reality TV. Not to say it’s not possible, people have found love in worse settings, I know too many people who have met on the sticky dance floor of a frat basement and are still together.

When it comes to social media none of us are perfect. I personally believe there’s an epidemic of fake serotonin plaguing our feeds. I’ve seen people post pictures from a vacation where they stayed inside and cried for the majority of the time and their caption is, “never want to leave insert sparkle emoji”. Like I get you want to share a beautiful place, but also (and maybe this is me thinking too deeply into it) your social media in a way is an extension of yourself. Not saying people should judge you fully based off of it, but there are certain reasonable assumptions you can make. If someone just posted they saw Kenny Chesney, they probably like country OR on a different spectrum if you saw someone just went skydiving you can chalk up pretty quick that they might just be a tad ‘adventurous’.

***or they’re just rich**

My point is social media is not (in my opinion) to be something that should be taken so seriously. In my mind I view my own social media as a scrapbook of my life, I used to post a lot of selfie type pictures on my feed, and now I stick more to my adventures and accomplishments because that’s what I’m going to want to look back at. Now don’t get me wrong I love to throw a picture of myself on my story and throw some indie folk song on in the background because I like the vibe and think it looks nice, so I’m not trying to act like I in no way fall into my own vanity. Honestly in some ways I feel like certain people need to more because they don’t love themselves enough.

What I view differently is when we’re posting a photo in order to ‘get likes’ or any form of validation from outside sources. When I post a picture of myself it is a form of INTERNAL validation.

So basically I’m like, “Lauren, you’re hot, the people deserve to see this”. Maybe that makes me conceited, but I am proud to have that mindset because for YEARS of my younger life I would cry about what I looked like and perceived myself as less than, and I will never go back to that.

Now it’s totally normal to have days where you’re off, maybe you feel extra bloated or there’s a particularly noticeable pimple right between your eyebrows, and that’s OKAY. We’re human. I myself have been getting over a nasty breakout of poison ivy that somehow managed to plant itself from my chin to my upper lip. 

My mom said, “at least it’s not on your ass” well Soph, I would much rather have had it on my ass for your information.

So we all have our shit.

I’ll take a moment to acknowledge another one of my own vices. I have noticed that I can be a bit of a bully towards men I don’t know, as well as men I know but at this point they’ve learned to live with it.

A man recently told me that he could tell I was actually very sweet under my tough exterior, I told him to fuck off… and then wound up in his condo forty minutes later #whoops

The thing is, he wasn’t all that wrong.

I don’t think it’s wrong or any less of someone to accept help from someone of the opposite sex. But that has always been hard for me because I want to come across as a strong, independent woman. Which I absolutely am. But a rattlesnake also doesn’t need to strike for us to know it’s poisonous.

So in that way I can have semi-toxic behaviors (which I acknowledge and am actively working through) towards men I don’t know. I think over time I have experienced both first and second hand how less than certain men view women. Hell, if we had an extra appendage I’ve heard enough to hear it third hand. Now I know it’s not healthy to bring past experiences fully into new ones when judging someone you don’t know. Just think about someone entering into a new relationship that has been cheated on in the past - they may come into it feeling a lot of distrust towards their new partner, despite their partner not doing anything to deserve any level of doubt in the partnership.

We love to say how social media is ruining kids and how we as people view ourselves and others, but the truth is websites like pornhub and tabloids were doing that long before Instagram (and yes social media is a catalyst of the evolution of the internet and technology, but that’s not the point).

When instagram first was introduced to us it was filled with heavily filtered vignette photos of what we ate for lunch with a #foodie and some kind’ve emoticon to complete the post. Other than that it was really just the occasional duckface and peace sign that made their debut in our feed.

That being said it is not what you’re posting that truly matters, it’s the why. If you’re posting half naked photos because OnlyFans is your main source of income, you go girl (or boy), get your bag. Where I find the issue is when you’re posting those photos in hopes someone in particular is going to comment or their name will pop up on your phone.

A parallel can be made to many things in life. A bow and arrow sitting on a counter do no harm, but the second you pick it up and point it towards someone it becomes a weapon of destruction.

It is all about how we use the tools we have in front of us, and I think social media is no different.

For me I used to use social media in a toxic way (towards myself). I shrunk my waist, smoothed my acne and filtered that sh!t like my life depended on it. I remember there was an era where you always had to ask a person if it was okay to post a photo that had them in it, and not because the contents were provocative, but rather to make sure they liked what they looked like. Now I think it’s different if a person doesn’t want a picture posted because they’re sneezing or if they think their thighs look ‘fat’ (which I’d also like to point out is technically ‘in’ right now).

Want to state again that everything in here is my OPINION. God knows I can be wrong, sometimes more often than I’d like to admit.

A habit that has been healthy for me is when someone takes a photo of either just me or me and friends, if they ask me to look at it and see if I want more I simply respond, “No I’m sure it’s good and it’s what I look like”. 

Because it is!!!

Don’t get me wrong there are very unflattering angles out there for everyone (well probably not Sydney Sweeney). But there is no need to be disheartened when you don’t look exactly what you thought you were going to look like in a photo. 

I have seen probably hundreds of ‘golden hour’ photos on my feed throughout the years, but you bet your sweet a$$ that there has never once been a time where a photo was taken of me in the ___ of the suns rays where I didn’t look like I needed to shit myself.

I used to chalk that up to me being ugly, and that only pretty girls could do golden hour.

Then I woke the f*ck up.

I don’t know how many times I’ve gone and taken pictures with female friends/family/etc. and heard comments about how big their arms looked or fill in the blank of any self deprecating thought you can think about yourself and it’s there.

Scrolling through social media seeing these bodies and wondering why yours doesn’t look like that? You want a better perception of an actual ‘bikini body’ go to the goddamn beach. Of course when you are following swim suit models they are going to look a certain way.

THAT IS WHAT THEY DO FOR A LIVING - THEY GET PAID TO LOOK GOOD IN A BIKINI.

And that’s not to say their body is wrong, but any body that fits that mold also isn’t wrong. All bodies are bikini bodies. In my book my biggest concern is just that as long as you are a healthy person you have nothing to worry about. You want to tone your thighs more? Great! Do that if it’s what YOU want, but don’t do it because People Magazine thinks that’s what you need to do before you can walk onto the beach.

About two years ago I personally went through the people I follow on social media and deleted anyone I would compare myself to in an unhealthy way. To be honest this included some people I knew (not close friends).

I started filling my feed with content that is more aligned with what I value in my own life and the algorithm rewarded me for it. So now instead of countless photos of size 0 females (which I will never be and that doesn’t bother me one bit) I am shown hiking content, recipes and Joe Burrow apparently (I hate football so AI probably hears my best friend Emily talking about him).

Also I took sometime to see what my Instagram FYP looks like and the fact that Glen Powell was included >>

Honestly surprised there aren’t more dogs, but you win some you lose some. 

I do think there have recently been more strides to make social media more real in ways with the whole concept of ‘photo dumps’ where it seems to be less concentrated on photos of the person themselves and more the things they did - which to me feels more authentic.

Like you were in aruba?? Show me a monkey not your tits in front of a palm tree. 

(no judgement if you want to flex on us like that, I just like it coming from a genuine place)

***won’t pretend like I haven’t also participated in this trend

***Also I don’t actually know if there are monkeys in Aruba, or where Aruba is, it just felt right

I don’t know if this helped anyone but I just hope we all can take a moment to acknowledge that social media really is not that deep, have fun with it.

Love you all and appreciate your time.

Xoxo Mild Girl